“I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?” (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
As a teenager, I compiled a list of everything I wanted in a man. I found that list after my divorce…and laughed. In many ways, it was a bit, as #5 would call it, “Twilight-esque.” (In other words, unrealistic and total, imaginary romanticism that exists in the fictional world of vampires and werewolves, Edward and Bella. Ah, the emotional depth of teenage girls!) Here are a few important qualities from the early 1980s: tall, brown hair, tan skin, hard working, handsome, good at sports, funny, nice, good dancer, smart, good singer, polite, straight white teeth, opens doors for me, rich, writes romantic things to me, fun, spiritual, honest, hairless chest, sends me flowers, loves me more than anything, romantic, wears good cologne, stylish…let’s see, did I leave ANYTHING out?
When I grew up, I was self-aware enough to know looks and athletics alone might be fine for some women, but I knew it wouldn’t be enough to keep me “in love” for the rest of my life and into eternity so I decided long term (what I would most appreciate as a married woman in my 40s) was a smart man who treated me well. I married the first guy I felt was smarter than me. And boy, did he turn out to be smart! A lot smarter, more clever and cunning, than I’d ever imagined, in fact! I was happy and in love, until I found out our 20-year marriage had been built on 14+years of deception and lies. (Ironic, isn’t it, that I based my choice on what I’d want 40-something, and that’s when it all ended and I was alone and single anyway?)
It was the personal loss that caused me the most pain. My childrens’ loss of their dad, their childhood, their innocence, their life, their family, everything as they knew it, was the worst; followed closely by my loss. I had lost the man I had loved, relied on and built a life with; the man who should have been loyal to me and my biggest protector. I just knew I was destined to be alone the rest of my life. I felt those losses powerfully.
I remember standing in my Colorado kitchen one day, my heart literally breaking over those losses. And mother that I am, this is why I cried that time: “Even if someday when I’m 80 years old and some man takes pity on me and marries me because his wife died and he needs a housekeeper, I’ll never have a whole and complete family. Even if a one-in-a-billion miracle happens and a man ever loves me again, no one will love my children. My kids will never again run into my room, jump on my bed, and wrestle with a dad.” (It may sound crazy, but out of everything I had lost that was a big one for me.)
I began dating less than 3 months after my divorce, and I realize now, I entered into it without a lot of thought. I was reeling from the shock of what had transpired in a matter of months; I didn’t know what I was doing because everything related to singles and socializing had changed so drastically since the 1980s (it was sort of like entering the playing field without a game plan.) I was lonely. However, after meeting my first single man, it didn’t take long to list the things I couldn’t live without: spiritual depth, integrity, emotional stability, family-oriented focus, employed, a good father to my kids, a man who loves ME. Oh, and good credit. (The crimes of my husband and his incarceration destroyed MY credit. I didn’t need a man with money because I’ve never needed money to be happy, but I had to have a man who could at least qualify for a rental lease, a home loan, or a car loan because I can’t–and I can’t ask friends and family to do that for me for the rest of my life! The Catch-22 is that what man with good credit would want me and my financial disaster? But that’s a blog for another day…)
Cut to the other night.
Mr. Awesome (aka. #5/Agent M) and I were sitting on my bed talking. The door was locked. (With a small house and many children around, it’s what we’ve occasionally had to resort to when we need to discuss something important.) In the middle of it, my youngest knocked on the door. I didn’t open it, but told him I’d be with him as soon as my discussion was over. He went away for awhile and then knocked again. I repeated my instruction, he went away for awhile and then knocked on the door again. The third time he knocked, #5 looked at me and asked, “Do you think we should open the door and let him in now? I like it when he runs in and jumps on the bed. I love his hugs. And it’s fun to wrestle him.”
He opened the door and their wrestling match began. Pillows were flying, tickles were traded (along with a few karate chops) and all I could do was remember that moment I stood in my Colorado kitchen, sure that my youngest would never know what it was to have a dad, much less wrestle with a dad.
Can you believe it? Dreams really can come true.
Every single one of them.
“I tell people I’m too stupid to know what’s impossible. I have ridiculously large dreams, and half the time they come true.” (Debi Thomas)
Loved this! I totally enjoy the Sat morning bed/children fest. Glad your list got more realistic. I haven’t been here for a while and I can’t tell if you married number 5 or not. Please tell me it’s on the horizon : )
Kelly
Glad you liked it, and yes, my list got a lot more realistic once I left the teenage years:) I’m not married to #5. As for the horizon…it remains to be seen. I’m going to be writing about it soon. (I just have to let things of big importance get a little in the past before I share them.) I’m thinking this week is a good time to begin the details of all of that.
Some of your blogs are so relatable I feel like you wrote it streight from my own life. lol (minus the whole ponzi thing)
I really enjoy your writings!
Lol. It’s nice to meet a kindred spirit. (Minus the whole Ponzi scheme thing–I wouldn’t wish that on anyone:) Thanks for the kind words, and thanks for reading.
This makes me happy!!! I’m sure not as much as you, but very happy indeed!
Me too!:)
You deserve to be happy Andrea!
Thank you! I think we all do, but I’m thrilled to be included in the group!
I think you voiced what every divorced parent fears – the possibility of not having a whole family again. Not that I’ve ever been divorced, but the thought of my kids not being able to horseplay with their dad just brings me to tears. It’s good to hear your little guy is getting to do something like that again.
I’ve had “issues” with a whole and complete family since my dad died when I was a teenager–there was always someone missing from our family pictures, and actually, always someone missing. I never imagined I’d ever get divorced, but when I did, the whole and complete family thing was such a huge loss for me. I am SO thankful my children have a man to talk to, spend time with, hug, and wrestle! (And that #5 does all of those things for them:)
Hey Girlie!!!
I love this post, I must admit it made me a bit teary eyed…doesn’t that make you love him even more? I am so glad you are sharing these experiences too. What wonderful memories! I have to admit when Scott read my “list”…he was a little confused when 2 of the qualities were tall and blonde! Lol! Oops, young and naive. Love ya!
LOL. Scott isn’t tall and blonde, but he DOES still have a magnificent head of hair! And a wicked sense of humor such as Scott shares with the world, is better than height any day in my book! Love you too!