“Eight hours is too much time to think and my thoughts are definitely too hard to think!” That was another thought I had as the miles rolled by under the Subaru, driving from Colorado to Utah to begin a new life–thanks to divorce and other things.
My mind was doing a 19-years-in-review recap as I drove, and given the new perspective I had on those years (thanks to the revelations my former spouse made to me on March 18, 2009), every memory was tainted. Even after the almost four months I’d had to think, to question, and to attempt to process, I was still coming up with new and more questions. I was grateful, then, that I’d had almost four months to try to understand everything (as difficult as those four months had been.)
In fact, and believe it or not, almost one year later, the questions are still coming. Someone recently asked me something I’d never thought of before. I don’t know the answer to it. I have to wonder: is that what the rest of my life is going to be? Another 50 years of random memories surfacing, causing questions that I will never know the answer to? An interaction with someone that results in a question that somehow, in all the thinking I’ve done, I have never thought of? And even if I could ask the question and get an answer…how do I really trust that the answer is the truth?
The answer to that is just one reason I got divorced.
As my sister said to me, when we chatted about things we’ve experienced in life that we never anticipated, “You are THE LAST person I EVER would have thought would get divorced!” I totally agreed with her. I am the last person I ever expected it to happen to too. But in life, unexpected things happen.
As I drove, I wondered how everything was going to work out.
My greatest concern was, and is, for my children. I wondered HOW they were ever going to rise above the life they were completely innocent of in every way? I mean, my children and I are completely innocent of any wrongdoing–THAT, I know. But they had landed in a situation they hadn’t chosen in any way, shape or form. They hadn’t even gotten to choose their dad! I had done that for them.
Everything I have done in all of this has been in an effort to do what I think is right (the way I’ve always tried to live my life) and to do what I think is best for my children. Those two principles have guided my every action and reaction. There are many who disagree with my choices, with some of the things I’ve done–or not done. I’ve lost some friends over it. I’ve been misjudged on some of it. But pardon me for putting my kids first, even at my own expense, and for having the courage to do what I felt was right! How dare anyone expect me to do anything else?
My thoughts turned, again, to my children and the evening of March 18, 2009. When I had gathered my family together for the last time, as a united family, and let my children hear, from the mouth of the destroyer, the destruction he, the head of our family and home, had brought upon all of us.
I remembered how he sat alone in a chair, across the room from the rest of us, and told our children what he had done and what he anticipated the consequences would be. They were as shocked as I had been when I’d been told earlier that day. It took a moment or two for them to comprehend what he was saying and they looked to me, with shock and horror on their faces, questioning with their eyes what they had just heard. They looked to me for confirmation.
How do you shatter your children’s lives? How do you destroy their hopes and dreams? How do you ruin their world? How do you do ANY of that?
How do you answer even a question about that? All I could do was sit there, with tears streaming down my face, my heart more shattered and broken than I knew a heart could be and still keep beating. And I guess that was answer enough.
One of the children got up, crossed the room, and hugged their dad as they cried. The other children spontaneously joined them and they all huddled, hugged and cried together. We used to end our family prayers each day with a “group hug.” But like everything else, those days were over.
I sat alone on the couch and watched the whole thing.
Then the destroyer got up, walked out the door, and left our family alone.
I was alone with my children.
Hey Andrea! I hope that you don’t hate that I discovered your blog. All of your thoughts so far have reminded me of this quote and unfortunately, I can’t remember who said it it but it was this: “Success is not in doing what others feel is great, but in doing what you know is right.” The way I see it, that’s exactly what you’re doing, and as crappy as this situation is for your children I have always thought how incredibly lucky they were to have a woman like you standing at the helm of their sinking ship because I know that hell will freeze over before you let that ship sink.
Carry on, my friend. You have more cheerleaders than naysayers.
Of course I don’t hate that you have discovered my blog–welcome to it! I hope you enjoy my journey of drama, intrigue, action, and adventure. Thanks, again, for the Calgon (I totally drained that box, baby! I think that will have to be a blog post someday) and for the dance mix. It helped keep me dancing the night away when I didn’t want to face the days! Your service to me was much appreciated. Stay tuned!
So I’m thinking you should just quit your job and give us more blog! It’s absolutely fascinating to hear the story from your perspective…from inside your mind. Sort of an appropriate way to commemorate the upcoming anniversary.
Thanks for reading and for taking the time to comment. I’m glad I can know you your entire life…and that even after all that, I can still fascinate you!:) Love you.
It’s like I just got a copy of the latest novel from the bookstore and I can’t get enough of it! Sorry it has to be a true story though…just remember “someday” will come and you will look back at this experience as a “time in my life” that wasn’t so great. You have ALWAYS been the one that said to rise above it all. You’re just showing us how now. (as much as it sucks). Love you Andrea!
Jess, glad you can’t get enough of it even though you helped me live it while I was going through it. (Our nights out and our laughs about certain legal documents are someday going to be a blog post. So keep reading and you may find yourself a character in the novel of my life!) I love and appreciate you and all you did for me when I needed it most!
Hi Andrea,
I was in your ward some years back, from 2002 until Aug 2006. My husband was Andy’s scoutmaster. Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about you and wondering how you and your family were doing, and I was so happy to come across your blog (from Jordan’s blog). You should know that we ( and none of the others that we have talked to) blame you in any way for what happened. My first thought when we found out everything, was “what is Andrea going to do?” I’m so glad you’re finding happiness again, in a new way. Your kids will be fine, with you as their mom and example!
Cari Lundell
Thank you for commenting and for checking to see what I’m going to do about my new life! Apparently, write about it! I appreciate your friendship and support!
Tears. Lots of tears.
We love you and the kids and are so proud of you. As I read your post today, I just cried. Wishing it were a fictional novel, but realizing that it’s more real than anyone wants it to be. Keep going. You’ve got the makings of a great read, and the talent to make it happen.
Thanks for reading my blog and giving me feedback and encouragement. I hope I prove your opinion! I love you and appreciate your support.
Andrea, you are truly an amazing and inspirational woman. You have always amazed me with your ability to forge ahead through hardship, and with a good attitude no less. What a tremendous example you are to those around you. At least I know you have always been that to me. Your children are so lucky and wondrously blessed to have you for a mother. Hang in there and know that the Stock family loves you!
Kiffi, thanks for visiting my blog and taking the time to give me wonderful words of inspiration! YOU have always been beautiful, inside and out, and even as a teenager. And your mom has certainly inspired me as to carrying on and making a wonderful life for yourself when to some, conditions may be less than ideal. I love you and your family and appreciate your support!
Thank-you Andrea for sharing your soul. The best writers are those that share a piece of themselves and you have done that and so much more. I have cried, laughed some, and felt inspired by your words. We are amazed by your strength and grace through all of this. Your family is loved and missed. Many women here, including myself, admire you greatly. You now have a song to sing..a story to tell, and we will all be grateful for the wisdom we gain through your words. We all wish our life stories were fairytales, but that is rarely the case. Thanks for the beautiful quote about finding happiness in the journey. I needed to hear that! Love you lots and miss your family and wish you the best!
Thanks for your friendship and for reading my blog. I’ve laughed, cried, etc…too and it has felt pretty good. (I guess it has been long enough I am ready to face some of that now!) We love and miss you and our Colorado friends and I appreciate your willingness to listen to the song I’m attempting to sing! Please keep in touch…and keep reading. I think it is going to be good. And I’m still holding out for the fairy tale ending!
Andrea,
I read your blog last night and just cried. I am really glad that you let us on your journey. You are such an amazing woman. To be able to put your kids first, you did the right thing. And to tell you that no one blames you for what happened. It was not your fault. You have the best attitude. Which is good. Always choose happiness! You are the best!
Thanks for reading my blog and for your kind words. I appreciate your friendship and support more than you know. And I promise you, I am going to continue to choose happiness! No matter what. I always have. I always will!
Dishonesty in any form can lead to a lifetime of questions. That may never go away, but it won’t ever change who you were and still are…my Treas–one tough chick–fightin’ the good fight!
Thanks for your comments. You are one of my oldest friends and I have to say, I can’t remember a time you haven’t been there for me. Including now, as I begin blogging about events that should never have taken place but unfortunately did. Thanks for calling me chick, too. Makes me feel young and hot. Ah…another blog post!lol
I am Stacie Visser’s cousin; we are very close. I’ve heard of your story from the moment it happened. I just wanted to say that I admire you. You are truly a magnificent writer. You should look into publishing your story :o)
Welcome to my blog and thanks for reading it. Thank you so much for your kind words. Keep checking back, and as the story unfolds, hopefully you will find it worthwhile reading. Any relative of Stacie’s is a friend of mine! Thanks again!:)
Hello, cousin! Thanks for reading my blog and for your support. I hope you enjoy my story (and that I continue to enjoy living it! lol) Stay tuned…more to come! Isn’t that just the way life is?:)
This sounds somewhat similar to what happened right before I divorced my first husband. We had been married for 20-years too. His problem was staying away from other women amongst other things, such as embezzlement from his workplace, high stakes sports betting and pornography. A temple marriage. Ha, what a joke. I can feel your pain. But the way you have moved on with life is such an inspiration to me right now with everything I have going in my own life. Thank you – Thank you – Thank you!! 🙂